Life, Dying and Death.
The demise of my beautiful mum led me to ponder on the topics of life, dying and death. We accelerate our growth since our birth with millions of cells multiplying, renewing and yet dying at the same time. Death and dying is present in our daily living. For e.g, red blood cells dies but are also reproduced. However, living/dying remains oblivious and such a mystery to all of us. The juxtaposition of living/dying is uncomfortable to many, because we see life/death as direct opposites when in fact they are always present at any one time. Technically, we are not alive, as in without the presence of death. We are merely balanced, I.e Consequences of rejuvenation processes is equal or better than the dying processes in our body. In my equation, there is no pure life to begin with, there is always a tinge of death -dying, death is merely a stage just as birth is a stage for humans, the enlightened ones to make meaning of. Once we make meaning of something, we are no longer afraid of the unknowns, because we become “known” ourselves.
Seeing my mother's lifeless body, i imagine how it feels like to be dying, to breathe that last breath. What are the thoughts, feeling and sensation as we pass on from life. There are fears as to if I will die the same way as she did, will I be afraid etc. Dying marks us when we begin to form in our mother's wombs, it is not accidental. Much as I hate to make things I say sound like the movie “Final Destination”, the experience has taught me to confront death as what it really is. Dying, the mechanism of death is living in us, part of us, it is not some thing to be afraid of, but rather some thing to be embraced. Let me explain the morbid portion of embracing death, it is to understand that death did not come to us, death is part of us. It has its sweetness in eradicating a body that is no longer useful and liberating us to another place. It is a doorway with no doors, which has never been closed, but merely becomes wider as I age, beckoning me to walk into the another territory. I have a strange feeling that if we all have the knowledge of what death entails, perhaps many will want to walk into it, and with that, we lose the meaning of living. The higher being that created us didnt want us to learn both the lessons associated with living and dying. I concluded 2 things from journeying with my mum as she passes:
Dying is part of living. The need to recognise that as I live, I also die. Accept that dying and live.
The function of living and dying. Death did not triumph over me. Birth and death are platforms to open a chapters. If I give meaning to my living and dying, I will no longer be afraid of them.
How then shall I live? There is a universal truth that enforces itself on us whether we believe in after-life or not. That truth is our time on earth is limited, we will die some day.
My life at a glance
I reminiscence how my mother brought me up, cleaned, fed, clothed and prepared me for life. I learnt to give meaning to defining moments of my life. The sadness of losing my mother and being at the cross road of my stable job in a civil service also lend much to my thoughts of “What is the meaning of living?” There were times I really wanted to die so that I can go and find her, wherever she is, but I know that I am not done learning the lessons of life. I cannot claim to be a saint, but in the past 5 years, there was a compelling thought for me to do something good for the society, some thing big, some thing that benefits many. I cant do that in my current capacity as a civil servant, I lack the resources and most importantly, I lack the time needed. In this past month, I tweeked the mission statement for my life. The last part of doing no harm is the principle of nonmaleficence, introduced by my wife to be.
To inspire lives = Continuous learning and imparting.
To do all good. = Create win-win
To do no harm. = Do not unto others what you do not want to happen to you.
While trodding on the path of living, I have now begin to learn about dying. Letting go of things when they are not meant to be, lest they become a burden to our dreams or limit who we can beomce. I took a really long time to tender my resignation (note that it has not been approved yet, but I have tendered). Quitting a high paying, stable income job is almost an act of utter insanity for many Singaporeans. I was afraid of the uncertainties, whether I will be able to rough it out in the private sector, my capabilities/abilities, whether I am financially sound to begin to wade into the real estate industry. The lesson I learnt from seeing people die is, it is easier to die, when you die with no regrets. And the biggest regret we can have are typical. Let me list 3 down:
1. Not saying enough I love you, or showing love to the ones you love.
2. Not spending enough time with your family.
3. Not pursuing that dream (job, spouse)
The clarity of my thoughts were sharpened as I thought about death/dying, morbid ideas that ironically had given me a new lease of life. My job is the utmost way of learning what life has to offer and the most important conduit of giving meaning to life. I wrote 3 opposing viewpoints about my current job, they created enough gravitational force for me to exit out of a tiresome job that has stable pay.
I like my job VS I am passionate about what I do, so much that it is no longer a job.
I am good at what I do VS I can be the best at who I can be.
I am contented with my pay VS I am fulfilled with what I can do for the society.
The Myth of "Enough" breeds procrastinators
The biggest enemy I face in the process of eliminating my job is the word “enough”. And the word “enough” is also a big hindrance in the pursuit of my dreams. Will I have “enough” money to tide me through the year? I need to earn “enough” in my new job in order to help others. Will I have “enough” for the family? How much is enough? Enough thinking will literally screech our planning to a halt. I have limited myself to 6mths of my current salary to tide me through, and to start doing good at any scale, to whatever I can do, NOW. Ideas will always be ideas unless you put them into action.
It was silly how I got into the debate of when is the best time to leave my job. With the financial crisis still looming in the economy's backdrop, possible worsening of unemployment rate in the country, increasing number of agents into the industry.... I figured out that I can only be in the best position to pin point the best time to leave if I am God. I will never know the best time. It is akined to trading, we will never know the best time to sell/buy, but we do so by creating a window, a band of time rather than a point in time. Deriving the exact time to exit in shares or job is paralysis by analysis, but when you see a window of opportunity, SEIZE IT! My window of opportunity has opened, now is the time I make the best out of it.
Other windows on the hand, are always open. Doing good for example, loving people, developing/valuing adding into their lives, these we can do now. We do not have to wait for windows of opportunities, coincidences or leave things to chances.
In the closing of this long post this month. I do not see the functions of next job as fundamentally different to my current job. Yes, I will no longer see monies in my account at every 10th of the month or receive bonus, or having to contend with mozzies and nights away from my loved ones. But I am going to develop people, build teams, do good, help people, be an inspiration of life. I am thankful that my huiwen, my brother, relatives, such Peihui Jie (I know you are reading this! :), Vincent Cher and friends who accompanied me in my griefingand have been supportive of pursuing my dreams. There were some who poured cold water, but be glad that it didnt snuff out the flame. My mother has began her new journey. I need to do so too. She lives on in me, and one day, we will both meet again in some heavenly realms. In the meantime, she lives on, she is part of me. She sacrificed her everything for the family, need I do less for those I love and for those who need it? Lastly, I also ponder on the subject of reincarnation. It is proposed that christians should not believe in it. The argument is often associated with the fact that reincarnation is mentioned in the bible. I counter propose that not having mention it in the word of God may put forth a subject as unimportant herein but not its' non existence. I still believe that Jesus came and die for me so that my soul can be set free on redemption day. The bible sees death as having entered deep sleep, or can it be interpreted too as a place of deep rest? Many debates can lead to no end. Faith, is meant to be explored, expereinced and believed. Finally, I end off with a prayer. Dear God, I commit myself to thee.
Oh that Thou wouldest bless me indeed, and enlarge my coast, and that Thine hand might be with me, and that Thou wouldest keep me from evil, that it may not grieve me!
